What you need to know right now

The three things I want you to know right away?

One, my blog has moved.  You will now find it at www.flightofthevalkyrie.net

and Two, posts may be sparse for a few weeks (how will that be any different from the last year?)

finally, Three:  posts may be sparse for a while, but my new web address will be one of the cornerstones of my thesis project for my master's degree.  So, keep an eye out because by the middle of May, I expect to have it launched online.

Thanks everyone!

A Life of Quiet Desperation

It is already week two of the new quarter and I find myself feeling terribly behind in both homework and other sundry life-things.  Circumstances being what they are, last week was horribly busy for me, and did not really allow any time for school work to be done.  This is not a complaint, however, because I made thoughtful choices about several of the things that took my time, and felt that they were the more important ones.  Not one of those choices stand out to me at the moment as one I would go back and change. But, as the case often is, there are consequences for our choices, and the consequences I face at the moment is a flurry of activity as I try to make up lost ground before things get too far; before I resign myself to simply being behind and mildly disappointed with myself (as those two things are usually linked for me.)

As my evening class went on break tonight, I couldn't help but start to compile a mental list of all that needs doing.  The chapters that need to be read, the films that need to be seen (yes, this is actually homework) the assignments to be written, and so on. I was very tempted to tell myself that this is all so very stressful, and that I am in a stressful place.  I was tempted to tell myself that I am stressed, when in point of fact, I was not feeling "stressed out" as say so often.  Yes, I have plenty to do, and it may feel stressful very soon, but at that moment, I wasn't feeling "stressed out", merely mindful that there is much to be done. 

 I have a close friend who seems always to be in a state of being "stressed out" as she puts it.  There is a never ending barrage of things in her life that seem to attack her relentlessly.  She does have a lot going on, and I recognize that she has every right to be stressed out from time to time.  But I also can't help but sometimes feel that she chooses it.  She will identify situations that shouldn't be categorized as stressful by anyone, as things that bear down on her. I think perhaps that she feels the weight of decisions with so much gravity, that there is little room in her economy for a bad decision, or even a less-than-ideal one.  

Somehow tonight the thought of my to-do list, mixed in with the thought of my friend.  I actively chose not to take on a perception of stress in my life. 

This brought to mind a quote from Thoreau: "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."  

And I have to admit that in a sense, theologically, Thoreau is right. There is always so much to be done.  There is always so much that we need. There is always so much that we cannot accomplish on our own, or for ourselves.  We lead lives of quiet desperation, because our efforts--and we should make an effort--is only buoyed by the Grace of God. I mean that quite literally. We have a choice, where we can recognize that we need that Grace, that we live by that Grace, and that we are sustained by that Grace. Or we can not.  Either way, we are living lives of quiet desperation, but I think we can make a distinction about how we look at it.  We can focus on the desperation and simply live there, which results  as Thoreau put it "What is called resignation is confirmed desperation." Or we can focus on the Grace that we are offered, and say "please" and "thank you".

I think this choice matters in lots of ways; two of which I can think of at this moment:  choosing Grace allows us to sleep better at night.  And, accepting Grace means we have some to give to others when they need it.   If we are living in a state of desperation, we have no grace to spare for anyone else, because we don't think we even have enough to get by on ourselves. 

Yeah, I have a lot to get done, and not too much time to do it in.  

By God's Grace, it will come out. 

Some thoughts

Sitting in our morning lecture, and I have a whole train of thoughts competing with, and in response to, what Todd Johnson has to share this morning. 

I got to thinking about what kind of theatre I might want to do and I returned again to the idea of shows with questions, ideas and topics that stir people up into conversation and even to action.  Seeing theatre as a potential catalyst for the community, for the church. And then I heard the naysayer in my head.  “Bleeding heart”

Well, perhaps our hearts need to bleed a little now and then.  This world can be so hard and cold, and we bind up our hearts tightly just to survive, but what starts out as a necessity becomes a comfort zone that we retreat into, reticent to stray from.  A survival tool transforms into a defensive weapon that ultimately chokes us off, and slowly kills us with hardness.

It is the subtlest suicide. 

Questions from NYC ala Brehm Center

You may remember a few months ago I posted some questions for your consideration.  This week, as we went around the group to introduce ourselves to one another, I couldn't help but really stand on that leg for a moment.  I want to know what the questions are, specifically for people who are in my position, or positions similar to mine.  What are we dealing with?  Struggling with? What have we learned the hard way, and what were we graced to know without having to pay a costly price to learn?

The questions are beginning to take shape.  And I may post some of what I discover as comments to this post, but like I asked before:

What are your questions?
Be Specific.
Seriously.
What are your questions?

For less than a dollar a day, you can neglect this child

"For the record, minimum wage in Honduras is over a dollar an hour. The rest of Central America is similar.On the off chance you care."

This was a tweet-response that a classmate of mine wrote today as we hit some final topics in our Theology and Culture, while the professor talked about Globalization.  And my immediate response was to jokingly say who does care?  Not because that's what I actually think, but that's how I think we actually operate.  


But then the thought occurred to me.  We get outraged (or pretend to be) by the unequal distribution of wealth.  And I think that reveals an underlying worship of money.  We see our global neighbors living in squalor, and if we're motivated enough, we throw some money at them--or try to.  And how much actually gets to where we think it needs to go, anyway?  How much is our belief system Money Will Make It All Better actually working?


I don't really see money as the actual source of happiness and well-being. Quality of life is not exclusively linked to finances.


So when I see my friend's comment about the wages in Central America, I don't get particularly outraged or saddened.  What I want to know is, do they have access to education? Health care?  Sanitation? Avenues of communication? Vaccines? Clean water? Governments and police forces run with far less corruption?


But Nicky, you say, those things take money.  And yes, that can't be gotten away from, in the current state of our world. But what I am saying, is that if we simply send more money, or get the minimum wage to be doubled in Honduras, the problems aren't going to go away. 


I'm asking, what will it take to improve the quality of life for those people who make $1 per hour? I'm suggesting it will take more than our money.  It takes our participation.  It takes our community. 

At that point, we can bring our cash with us if we like.

California Girl

What follows is an approximation of an actual conversation between a friend and myself in the recent past. It should be noted that  ever since I decided to come to Fuller, my friend has been pessimistic about the prospects of my ever returning to Idaho. Here, she was trying to determine the chances of my return: 

My friend: So, are you a Californian yet?

Me: Well, I was forced to get a California license. Does that count?

My friend: not especially.  What else?

Me: Well, I have lived here for several months and I really do like it. Oh, and I also wear really big sunglasses now.

My friend: ok, what else?

Me:  Um, lets see.  I've taken up yoga, and I only drink soy lattes now.

My friend: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

For your consideration

An interesting video I stumbled across this morning.  Perhaps even an interesting lead-in for the discussion we'll be having today in my Theology and Culture class about Body.

it's not About Me, at least not entirely

I started this blog a couple of years ago because I would go to a Bible study, or read a book or a devotional, and have some kind of interesting thought or even a revelation about God, or faith, or living as a Christian. I would go home to my empty house and want to tell someone about it, but I lived alone.

Eventually the thought occurred to me to try to write those things out, and even to post them on a blog. But, I didn't really tell anyone about it. And while you're scratching your head, wondering how blogging to no one is different than talking to myself as I stand over the kitchen sink eating my dinner, I'll tell you that it is pretty much the same. And really different.

Writing these things out helped me solidify what would have otherwise been fleeting ideas and revelations. I've learned from the process; and I think that is evident in the writing to anyone who's daring enough to sift through this blog's history.

The point never was to make myself out to be an authority on Christianity. I am neither a dead English apologist, nor a perky blond Texan. This is just me, trying to figure a thing or two out; which may or may not be helpful or interesting to those who happen to wander onto this site.   While I think some of my older posts may have a tone that comes off like I know something that you need to know too, that was never my attitude nor perspective.  Hopefully my tone is more genuine these days.

What you can expect to see from here on out is more of the things that I learn, the things I discover, and the things that interest or even excite me. The occasional video, or image should be expected.  You may even see that the posts become more and more broad, and more loosely related to one another.  That's because I'm learning about God in a whole bunch of different ways, some of them more subtle than others.

What you can expect not to see here are posts about my knitting club, my love for cats or videos of my children.  Not that those things don't make great blogs, but none of them are applicable to my life.  So you may or may not get to know me better.  But I don't feel like that's the point of this blog, anyway.  It's why I never did the obligatory 'About Me' post, so common on blogger.

Just a little stream-of-consciousness

Something got my mind spinning this morning on our nostalgic hold on the idea of family, and how the reconstruction of this concept has been a little threatening to some.  It made me think about the way we idealize our collective past:  "the good ol' days".  How much of this nostalgia seems to me to be rooted in our desire for security.  So then, I wondered, what if we could be bold enough to loosen our grip on our need for security?  What if we gave up our right to demand security? 

Well, then, we'd have to really trust God, wouldn't we?


Funny thing is, the God I know is far more capable of keeping us safe and secure than we could ever do for ourselves. 

So then, I asked myself, What would it look like if I put aside my attempts at maintaining my comfort, my security, my safety? What if I instead used that time, energy and resources, to engage the world around me?

What do you imagine would happen in our world if we dared to live that way?

(How's that for end-of-finals-week delirium?)

Fuller Vandalized?

Today marks the official start of finals week for the winter quarter at Fuller and students scampering across campus to take exams or begin last minute research found something unexpected in front of the library.

There's no signature on the work, nor any explanation.  Apparently the popular theory is that "science thugs" from Cal Tech thought it would be funny to give our religion a little science.  It's a little artistic for scientists, I think, and there is no comment from Cal Tech.   That is to say, I didn't ask them for comment.

Something I don't usually share: a playlist for your consideration

****I made several attempts to get the playlist to embed into the post, but it wouldn't work, and I had to give up.  So if you're interested, take a listen here.*****

 It has become my habit, for various reasons, to create a playlist for myself when I am cast in a show.  The songs I select are usually ones I already own--although it isn't unheard of for me to purchase a song or two for my playlist--that address the character I am playing in some fashion or another.  The music I select may or may not be songs that the character herself would listen to.  I can often be found updating the playlist, adding or removing music as I find my way through the rehearsal process; but I rarely mess with it once the show has opened.

The playlist, as you may imagine, is for me and not something I openly share with friends or cast-mates; at least until the end of closing night. It's not that my playlists are super-private or personal. I don't think they're too revealing about who I am as a person or anything.  They're just something I do.  Compling the music I use backstage for my personal script time, and warm-up time, greenroom time, and whatever-time, has become a useful tool.

You may find my selections trite, and predictable.  I'm not sharing this sample playlist to impress you or anything.  I just was mulling over the thought that our culture is attached to popular music in a very interesting way--specifically since the modern occurrence of soundtracks that accompany one of our most popular means of storytelling: film.   The way we relate to music these days is a significant part of what drives me to create these playlists for myself.  Perhaps one song helps me access a mood that my character shares.  Perhaps this song deals with the play's subtext (or actual plot).  Whatever it is, it is an behavior that we all engage in; some more deliberately than others.  I simply put it to use for the plays that I act in--and I'm certainly not the first actor to do this. 

I am excited to share that I have been cast in the upcoming production of the newly formed Fuller Company, in two of the one-act plays that will be offered.  I thought it may be interesting to do something that I've never done before: make my playlist public before a show, should anyone happen to be interested. So, you will find part of the playlist I have compiled--as it stands tonight--for one of those two shows, below.

If you happen to be in the Los Angeles area on March 5th and 6th, we will be performing in Fuller Theological Seminary's Travis auditorium.

I only ask one thing of you:  This playlist is provided for your enjoyment, and perhaps some masochistic need to expose myself to criticism.   This playlist is not intended to be representative of the plays themselves, are not the approved soundtrack of a director, nor should be considered in any way a teaser for what you should expect of the performance.  They are simply the songs I'm listening to while I do my script work, and may be the ones I listen to at some point before I go on stage.  So my request is this:  enjoy the music for now; and forget about it when you come see the show.

Are you Lazy? (confession 4)

Man, sometimes I feel like the laziest person I know.

I live with two other women, and we're all quite different from one another.  Both of my roommates put me to shame when it comes to focus.  They both always seem to be studying, or getting lots of other things done.  One of my roommates has commented on several occasions that since I've moved into the apartment, she feels like she's been on a nearly non-stop vacation.  She means it as a complement, but I can't help but feel the indictment in it too.

Let's add to the equation, that the sermon series for the last few weeks at my church has been Fresh Start (it's good stuff. listen to it here).  This series among other things, has been challenging us to recognize where we may've dropped the ball --perhaps in 2009-- and encouraging us to get back on track in 2010.  Hey, there's no shame in placing a sermon series at the top of the new year that hopefully capitalizes on our desire to start a new year off on the right foot.

All totaled. I feel like a lazy lump.  Over the last few months, my to do lists seem to be less and less crossed off.  I'll even confess that I may have avoided making a list (literal or metaphorical) on a few occasions, just so I wouldn't have to face it unfinished at the end of the day. 

But, I keep returning to God on this topic, and we're working on some things together.

So, do you feel lazy? Are you doing anything about it?

Just for Fun

To my knowledge, no one involved in this video has any association with Fulller, but it is the kind of thing that some of us Bible geeks get a kick out of.   Thanks to Josh for sending it my way.

The Paradox of the Mourning Christian

Tomorrow, the Fuller community will gather together to mourn. Over the Christmas break Ruth Vuong,  Dean of Students, suddenly passed away. 

There are many people on campus who knew Dean Vuong personally, and many who did not. Personally, I only had the privilege of meeting her on a couple of occasions.  Yet even to someone who did not really know her personally, her loss is nearly tangible on campus, as the community collectively mourns.  I do not need to have been in personal relationship with her to know how this feels.  We all have experienced loss, haven't we?


Loss and mourning are strange creatures, especially for Christians. At times, it seems wrong to be sad, to mourn, to feel the pain of loss over another Christian.  After all, no matter the specifics of our theology of Heaven, we all basically understand that death isn't the end, right? Don't we know, somehow, that if she goes to heaven, and we go to heaven then that means we'll be together again? Isn't that what we believe? And if it is, then why are we sad?  Afterall, haven't we all heard the saying, "it's not good bye, it's see you later"? So why do we still mourn?  Does it betray us, showing what little faith we actually have? Or is it something else?

This gets me to thinking about Lazarus; well more specifically about Jesus and Lazarus. Jesus stood at the tomb, knew what he was about to do, and how did he respond? He wept. Jesus wept knowing he was about to restore Lazarus. 

I don't think our mourning betrays our faith. We have lost years of opportunity for relationship with Ruth Vuong. Opportunities to create memories, to benefit from her wisdom, to have shared experiences, to get to know her.  It is our loss, and it is right to acknowlege it. We are created for relationship and community, and a measure of it is taken from us when someone dies.  Jesus knew this, and felt the very real pain of that loss before he restored Lazarus.

There is the paradox of the mourning Christian.  We weep over a temporary loss, that in our finite understanding feels so eternal.  But this is, in a sense, good.  If we can mourn, despite our understanding of the afterlife, it reveals the value we have for relationship.  And there, the God of relationship can and does minister to us.

Derek Webb Live and Up Close

Quite possibly my favorite anti-americanity musician (who am I kidding? He's the best!), Derek Webb came to campus last weekend for a small private acoustic concert for Fuller students. Yep, my roommate and I scored front row seats. Lucky Derek doesn't spit when he sings, we really were that close. Just sayin'.

This man and his music are worth checking out, if you haven't heard (of) him before. His lyrics may push you, but take the time to examine what he's saying, and how it compares to your Bible. You may be surprised to find that He's giving us more Biblical truth than you favorite cable news network.

A word to my baby-boomer friends: this isn't the Christian music you may be used to, but it will shed some light on where we X'ers and Y'ers are coming from. It became infinitely more clear to me last spring, as I participated in a round of the Truth Project at my church, that there is a huge generational gap in perspective at work within the american church. So many still believe that this is a Christian nation, literally Christian. So so many of us know it isn't. At least not any more. I'm not saying we should pack it in and go into hiding; I'm just saying that our perspective has a huge influence on how we interact with others. If we are coming from the misapprehension that everyone already knows who Jesus is, and that we just need to get this country 'back on track' we're sadly mistaken.

There are so many people right next to us who don't know what our Jesus-lingo means, and the only representative of Christ that they are getting exposed to are defensive talking heads who condemn. Of course we all have sin, and I'm not saying that God's just fine with it. But stop for a moment and consider, if you didn't know what sin is from God's perspective, and someone pointed their finger at you and told you that you're terrible and that you're damned for eternity for being who you are, would you be enticed to listen to anything they want to call 'good news'?

We do everyone a disservice if we think we're all on the same page. Maybe fifty years ago the nation was churched enough to know what all the lingo meant. But we're not in Kansas any more. And America is not the New Jerusalem.

An up and coming ministry you should know about

I returned yesterday afternoon from a beautiful retreat center nestled in the lovely village of Montecito. I found out about the retreat from the professor of one of my courses at Fuller, and signed up for various reasons, not knowing what to really expect. To my delight, however, the lovely leader, Kristen, came into our class the day before the retreat to briefly speak. She was a total kick in the pants, even a kindred spirit. It was for this and several other reasons that I was embarrassed and shocked when one of my peers in the class was so condescending to her. Here was an intelligent, articulate and studied woman trying to make a point, and when she paused to gather her thoughts, he raised his hand and offered "can I finish your thought?" and proceeded to tell her in essence, that she should have children because they are "healing" (see her blog where she recounts the incident with more detail). There are enough things wrong with what went down in that moment that I could rant out a whole other post that would probably not glorify God nor do anyone any good. So I'll get back to my point.

Like I said, I wasn't sure what exactly to expect at a retreat focusing on the issues involved in women's sexuality and what we could really address in less than 48 hours together. I have been part of two or three Bible studies that attempted to address this topic, and often it took weeks before participants were willing to be honest about their self image, the things that had hurt them, or past experiences. I was surprised at the speed at which the leaders took our topic to the heart of the matter, rapidly creating an atmosphere of trust and even blunt honesty that I wish could happen just as quickly and gently at all women's retreats. I was blown away at the number of women I could think of that I wished could have been there to participate. NOT because I could think of a list of women who were troubled, or needed fixing, but simply women who'd been hurt, or neglected, or believed a cruel word said to them. Women who still experience guilt or shame over some aspect of their body, appearance or femininity.

This retreat wasn't a quick fix. In fact, I left holding onto permission from Christ that I am not some broken woman who needs to be sent off to be fixed--as if there is a one-stop-shop Jiffylube womanhood mechanic that can wipe my memory, lipo my belly, and do my hair and makeup in an afternoon. Sure, there's some tender spots that Jesus and I can work on. Some grace I need to accept. This is something I think so many women need to recognize about themselves.

So, without further ado, I direct you to Kristen's ministry: A Beautiful Mess. Please visit her site, wander around, read her fabulous blog, get your mind spinning.

Doing things out of order?

Ok, so I know that the blogosphere loves Pics. I know this. Yet do I ever post any?

So, here are some over due pics of the move to fuller. Enjoy (sorry, many of these were out of focus, I forgot to change my camera to night setting before passing it around, my bad)






Sadly we only managed to take one picture in Vegas. In our defense, Jen and I were very tired.
























Getting used to seeing these everywhere. Love it.

















Had to go to the beach while the girls were still here.


















and maybe just a little of the touristy stuff...











How do you distract yourself when you've moved to a place you don't know and feel overwhelmed with every thing you have to do? Assemble your furniture.
and enjoy the view from your bedroom window

Curious?

Curious about what a grad student focusing on the intersection of faith and art has to read? (Because after all, grad school is a marathon of reading) Look at the widget on the side of your screen for the books on my 'to read' and 'currently reading' shelf. I make no promises that I'll keep the page number updated. Who are we kidding? If I had time to do that, I'm probably not actually reading the books...

the dreaded loneliness post. (confession #2)

Here it is, the one you may have been waiting to see, and hoping not to see all at the same time:

the dreaded loneliness post.

If you were expecting it to be different, you've never done this before. You've never left your whole tribe--left your Haran and gone out 'to the place you will be shown' (see Genesis 11:27-12:1). Perhaps you've never known the feeling of being hundreds of miles away from anyone who's known you for more than a few hours. The catch in your throat as you drive away from just about everything you've invested your life in. The piercing feeling that attacks your heart and your stomach simultaneously as you see your friends drive away to return to the home that isn't exactly yours anymore. It may be possible that you've never had to pep-talk yourself before walking into a new place all alone and hope to God that someone talks to you.

Yeah. Maybe you didn't know it would be this way.

And, I can't say you're the lucky one.

Maybe you did. Maybe you know that living a daring life has costs. Maybe you understand that to live passionately for your God means the choices sometimes hurt a little. Maybe you know. Maybe you know better than I do.

I heard tonight that LA is the second largest city in the country. Although I didn't know this before, it didn't surprise me. I've made the good team effort to deny my impulses to hide in my room, waiting for classes to start. I've accepted the invitations to attend parties where I know no one. To visit homes of strangers. To find comfort in the becoming-familiar faces of people who don't even know my name. And to hear that statistic tonight made me feel even smaller than I already did.

Yes. Every fun and exciting thing I've posted so far has been thoroughly true. I'm not putting on a brave face for anyone back home; and this post proves it. But this rounds out the story, because it would be a lie to tell you anything else. I'm not going to tell you I'm homesick, it's not true. I'm not going to tell you I'm not terribly excited to be here, it's not true (yes, a double negative). I'm telling you that I find it so thrilling to see the sun rising over my palm tree knowing that God put me here, and I still don't really know why.

Since I've left Boise

-I've met my first surfer-scholar (imagine both cliche's smashing into each other)

-the Target store here has its own parking garage, and a man who patrols said garage on a segue. It has decals of shields and badges, and is meant to look official and intimidating, but the effect somehow isn't.

-the best way to park in Vegas is valet. Anywhere else I've been, the valet is only for people interested in dropping an extra twenty bucks for parking, but Vegas says it isn't so. Pay what you want valet service saves the day!

-Pasadena isn't humid (this I already knew) but it feels humid to a girl from the high desert of Idaho; at least for a few days. But now I've also brought the Idaho heat with me, so today we're expecting a high of 101. ugh.

-feeling confident about the LA freeway system doesn't mean you won't still get tense. Especially when the person in the passenger seat yells as a joke.

-speaking of the freeway, a gps is a lifesaver. But you should still have an idea where you're going. It's not cool when you're navigational brain stops telling you what to do while it's "searching for signal" since the last tunnel you went through. Plus if you miss your exit, you're out of luck for several more exits, as you pass by alternate route after alternate route as it recalculates multiple times.