How Do You Count?

I am not a woman who is capable of finishing everything I attempt to start; nor do I finish things with perfection.  I make reading plans so I won't fall behind in class, and then fail to use them.  I plan ahead so that I won't be frantically finishing an assignment the same hour I have to go to class--and still end up printing and sprinting. Even this blog is something that I have attempted to bathe in self-discipline, only to fail.  Daily we are all asked to take on things that we are capable of doing -- many of them things that we could do well.  We get a lot of them done, but not all.

But is it failure?

I would like to submit the idea that we could all use a moment of self assessment; not on our rates of failure and success, but on our definitions and standards when it comes to failure and success.  Sometimes we really don't come through on something we need to have done.  Sometimes we mess up.  Sometimes we drop the ball.   Sometimes we encounter the unforeseen and we make the choice to put people before tasks.  Sometimes we have delusions of minute grander that suggest to us that we are capable of ignoring the constrictors of time and space--and social lives. Sometimes we make the wrong choice.  But sometimes we make the right choice, and for some reason, we want to think that it was wrong.

I wonder what would happen if we stopped to ask God his opinion before we kicked ourselves?  

I would like to submit to you that God is interested in how we love Him and each other--and that our to-do lists come second to those priorities if they are in conflict. Sometimes we love best by getting things done.  We all rely on each other, and if we regularly failed to get important things done, we'd have serious problems.  But, I doubt that it pleases God when we get down on ourselves for not being as self-diciplined and as accomplished as we think we ought to be. I think that the Kingdom definition of productivity is slightly different than our own, and that perhaps we could benefit from learning a new way to count.

A Life of Quiet Desperation

It is already week two of the new quarter and I find myself feeling terribly behind in both homework and other sundry life-things.  Circumstances being what they are, last week was horribly busy for me, and did not really allow any time for school work to be done.  This is not a complaint, however, because I made thoughtful choices about several of the things that took my time, and felt that they were the more important ones.  Not one of those choices stand out to me at the moment as one I would go back and change. But, as the case often is, there are consequences for our choices, and the consequences I face at the moment is a flurry of activity as I try to make up lost ground before things get too far; before I resign myself to simply being behind and mildly disappointed with myself (as those two things are usually linked for me.)

As my evening class went on break tonight, I couldn't help but start to compile a mental list of all that needs doing.  The chapters that need to be read, the films that need to be seen (yes, this is actually homework) the assignments to be written, and so on. I was very tempted to tell myself that this is all so very stressful, and that I am in a stressful place.  I was tempted to tell myself that I am stressed, when in point of fact, I was not feeling "stressed out" as say so often.  Yes, I have plenty to do, and it may feel stressful very soon, but at that moment, I wasn't feeling "stressed out", merely mindful that there is much to be done. 

 I have a close friend who seems always to be in a state of being "stressed out" as she puts it.  There is a never ending barrage of things in her life that seem to attack her relentlessly.  She does have a lot going on, and I recognize that she has every right to be stressed out from time to time.  But I also can't help but sometimes feel that she chooses it.  She will identify situations that shouldn't be categorized as stressful by anyone, as things that bear down on her. I think perhaps that she feels the weight of decisions with so much gravity, that there is little room in her economy for a bad decision, or even a less-than-ideal one.  

Somehow tonight the thought of my to-do list, mixed in with the thought of my friend.  I actively chose not to take on a perception of stress in my life. 

This brought to mind a quote from Thoreau: "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."  

And I have to admit that in a sense, theologically, Thoreau is right. There is always so much to be done.  There is always so much that we need. There is always so much that we cannot accomplish on our own, or for ourselves.  We lead lives of quiet desperation, because our efforts--and we should make an effort--is only buoyed by the Grace of God. I mean that quite literally. We have a choice, where we can recognize that we need that Grace, that we live by that Grace, and that we are sustained by that Grace. Or we can not.  Either way, we are living lives of quiet desperation, but I think we can make a distinction about how we look at it.  We can focus on the desperation and simply live there, which results  as Thoreau put it "What is called resignation is confirmed desperation." Or we can focus on the Grace that we are offered, and say "please" and "thank you".

I think this choice matters in lots of ways; two of which I can think of at this moment:  choosing Grace allows us to sleep better at night.  And, accepting Grace means we have some to give to others when they need it.   If we are living in a state of desperation, we have no grace to spare for anyone else, because we don't think we even have enough to get by on ourselves. 

Yeah, I have a lot to get done, and not too much time to do it in.  

By God's Grace, it will come out. 

Who are you attracting?

There's a New Age guru following me on twitter.

When I discovered this, I actually laughed out loud. Not that his beliefs are funny to me; but simply, I didn't see that one coming.  Somehow this person found me and decided that there was some kind of value or benefit even, in clicking the follow button on my profile. There's a myriad of reasons he could have done this, many of which have nothing to do with who I am, or what I've been saying on the internet--so I'm not going to be so arrogant as to think that I am going to be the key to some profound things in his life via my excellent tweets.

In fact, when I noticed this, two voices popped into my head.  One was a groovy, deadheadesque lifestyle evangelist who said "Nice, you're light in the darkness, salt to the world." The other voice was something like Dana Carvey's Church Lady, accusing me that a guru such as this may follow me because he is under the impression that we are alike.

Perhaps both little voices have an element of truth in them, and that's something I will be praying about.  But the whole thing leads me to ask myself, who am I attracting to become a part of my circles of influence? I think it's good to have a variety.

Questions from NYC ala Brehm Center

You may remember a few months ago I posted some questions for your consideration.  This week, as we went around the group to introduce ourselves to one another, I couldn't help but really stand on that leg for a moment.  I want to know what the questions are, specifically for people who are in my position, or positions similar to mine.  What are we dealing with?  Struggling with? What have we learned the hard way, and what were we graced to know without having to pay a costly price to learn?

The questions are beginning to take shape.  And I may post some of what I discover as comments to this post, but like I asked before:

What are your questions?
Be Specific.
Seriously.
What are your questions?

41 blessings in one day

1. I woke up on time (yes, on a day like today, undoubtedly a blessing)
2. I managed to get to my 8 am class on time
3. before I got to class, I actually had time to grab a cup of coffee.
4. and before that, I managed to eat a decent breakfast (this will be even more important in a moment)
5.  I had finished my scholarship application the night before, and was able to head right out to the post office
6. made it to the post office in time to send scholarship materials via priority mail instead of express mail, at a savings of ten dollars
7. because of some very lovely friends, I had my bicycle here in Pasadena, which was a nice alternative to driving my car around town all day wasting gas that I can't afford to buy.
8. had first dental check up in over two years (thanks to my new handy-dandy dental coverage) and have no "problem spots" or cavities
9. I have dental insurance for the first time in years, and because of this, I did not have to pay for my e-xrays or check up.
10.  the bike ride on to my next stop, the DMV, had light traffic, and was mostly downhill.  Yay for coasting.

11. I made it to the DMV to get a shiny new California drivers license just a few minutes before a ton of people, and ended up in a long line, instead of a LONG LONG horrible long line.
12.  Happened to be in line with a lovely lady for about two hours who was very nice, had great stories about her family, and was a pleasant waiting companion.
13.  got inside into the air-conditioned shade of the DMV in under an hour and a half (again, you might not think that this is a blessing, but people behind me in line waited longer than that)
14.  once I got my number inside the DMV to wait my turn, I was told that I should expect another hour and a half wait until my number was called.  It was less than half that time.
15.  the creepy guy who sat next to me in the waiting room, who kept talking to me, was called in first
16.  the nice looking biker setting behind me gave me the "do you want me to take care of the creepy guy?" nod.
17.  I didn't have to tell him yes
19.  every DMV employee I dealt with was actually very nice (well, except one, but she only took my picture, so she hardly counts) despite the fact that the place was crazy busy.
20.  One of those very nice employees yelled at creepy man when he tried to make a pass.  

21.  I managed to actually get some reading for class done while I waited in various lines today
22.  Although it did not occour to me that I should be spending that waiting time reading the California driver's handbook in case they have some crazy laws I don't know about, I still passed.  And yes, there were questions about crazy California laws that I didn't know about.
23.  I realized near the end of my DMV experience that I had not eaten since 7 am, and was gratefully only mildly hungry.
24.  SOMEHOW I was patient through the entire process.
25.  the cute elderly couple I got to watch go through the process of getting ID cards together.  They were easily 500 years old, each, and still twitterpated.
26.  my bizarre temporary paper license that I can send a copy of to Idaho, and will end my woes with the Idaho State Jury Commissioner.
27.  Somehow, I managed to get through the whole DMV process before they closed at 5, thereby avoiding the need for a return trip.
28.  Upon returning to where I had left my bike locked up, it was still there, with nothing missing, and was not boiling hot.
29.  the target store that was close to the DMV:  by now my body was mad at me for not having food or more water (I'd had my water bottle with me, but I'd long since finished it off) so I could go in for more airconditioning, a snack and some water
30.  target carries baskets that will attach to the handle bars of your bike (and man, my backpack was at least 20 pounds.  seriously.)

31.   The security guard at target went out into the parking lot with me and attached the basket to my bike for me since I did not have the necessary tools.
32.  In the TEN MILES that I rode today on my bike (well, it's a ton for me.  don't judge) there were no scary incidents with any other solid objects, moving, stationary, or otherwise.
33. as I pathetically continued to peddle myself home, way too exhausted, sunburnt and dehydrated, somehow I made it home to a big piture of water, and a nice, long, cold shower.
34.  I didn't have to heat up a dinner, I don't think my body would have accepted it.
35.  I was able to stay home once I got home.  I don't think I could have gone out again.
36.  the aloe that I keep in the fridge
37.  the light ice cream that was in the freezer. 
38.  the last of my stock of lactaid that was enough for me to eat that ice cream.
39.  I have lovey friends who would care enough to let me tell them about my crazy day in a list of 38 things that turned out to be blessings.
40.  I can recognize that God blessed me in at least 39 ways today, and I wonder how many more that I didn't notice.

I think some of the circumstances I encountered today could have given me a really bad mood, and then today would have been the worst.  Instead, I kept looking for something lovely, for ways that things went right instead of wrong. 

41.  God blessed me with the perspective today that enabled me to see a busy, stressful day as an adventure full of blessings.  There's no way my human self would have seen it that way if He hadn't of  helped me to.

The Paradox of the Mourning Christian

Tomorrow, the Fuller community will gather together to mourn. Over the Christmas break Ruth Vuong,  Dean of Students, suddenly passed away. 

There are many people on campus who knew Dean Vuong personally, and many who did not. Personally, I only had the privilege of meeting her on a couple of occasions.  Yet even to someone who did not really know her personally, her loss is nearly tangible on campus, as the community collectively mourns.  I do not need to have been in personal relationship with her to know how this feels.  We all have experienced loss, haven't we?


Loss and mourning are strange creatures, especially for Christians. At times, it seems wrong to be sad, to mourn, to feel the pain of loss over another Christian.  After all, no matter the specifics of our theology of Heaven, we all basically understand that death isn't the end, right? Don't we know, somehow, that if she goes to heaven, and we go to heaven then that means we'll be together again? Isn't that what we believe? And if it is, then why are we sad?  Afterall, haven't we all heard the saying, "it's not good bye, it's see you later"? So why do we still mourn?  Does it betray us, showing what little faith we actually have? Or is it something else?

This gets me to thinking about Lazarus; well more specifically about Jesus and Lazarus. Jesus stood at the tomb, knew what he was about to do, and how did he respond? He wept. Jesus wept knowing he was about to restore Lazarus. 

I don't think our mourning betrays our faith. We have lost years of opportunity for relationship with Ruth Vuong. Opportunities to create memories, to benefit from her wisdom, to have shared experiences, to get to know her.  It is our loss, and it is right to acknowlege it. We are created for relationship and community, and a measure of it is taken from us when someone dies.  Jesus knew this, and felt the very real pain of that loss before he restored Lazarus.

There is the paradox of the mourning Christian.  We weep over a temporary loss, that in our finite understanding feels so eternal.  But this is, in a sense, good.  If we can mourn, despite our understanding of the afterlife, it reveals the value we have for relationship.  And there, the God of relationship can and does minister to us.

Look UP

Before I left Idaho I would frequently look up and catch sight of an osprey, or from time to time and eagle, and think to myself "here's one way I will miss Idaho. Surely I won't be able to look up and see birds of prey in the sky above LA."

As I became aware of this thought, I started purposefully looking to the sky to see if I might catch a glimpse of something large and majestic in flight. The more I looked, the more I saw. I looked for sentimental or even spiritual significance that could be attached to these sightings, and thought of a few. I cherished each sighting as a treasured parting sight of my home, as an encouragement from God, and as a reminder of promise.

When I drove out of Idaho, I chose to ride the first shift alone (with three of us traveling in 2 vehicles, there was always someone alone) because I was sure I'd probably get a little emotional. I thought about the goodbyes left unsaid, the relationships I've nurtured and the ones I've neglected. I chased the promise that the discomfort of change makes room for the fulfillment of God's bigger plans. And as I drove the lonely stretch between Boise and Mountain Home I saw what I believed would be my last bird of prey.

I've been in California three weeks now. My birds were in Idaho, and I am not, so I stopped looking up.

For a while.

But something caught my eye not too long ago. Just as I was leaving the Santa Monica beach, I looked up, and there it was. The largest bird I had ever seen in flight (I am pretty sure I was a condor, based on the markings. I had to look it up). At first, I thought it was a small plane, but as I continued to stare, it happened: wings flapped, and I knew it was a very large bird, much closer than the distant plane I had taken it for.

Today, as part of a class requirement, I spent about three hours alone with God in silence at a beautiful convent. I spent most of the time just listening, and abiding. And I just happened to look up. Circling the convent as if simply waiting for me to notice, was a golden eagle. It circled a few times overhead and then, making a few large grand passes, it flew away.

I mention all of this only to point out that I had no expectation to see such majestic birds once I was in the middle of such a big, busy city. But my experience continues to defy expectations, and I will remember, and continue to look up.

the dreaded loneliness post. (confession #2)

Here it is, the one you may have been waiting to see, and hoping not to see all at the same time:

the dreaded loneliness post.

If you were expecting it to be different, you've never done this before. You've never left your whole tribe--left your Haran and gone out 'to the place you will be shown' (see Genesis 11:27-12:1). Perhaps you've never known the feeling of being hundreds of miles away from anyone who's known you for more than a few hours. The catch in your throat as you drive away from just about everything you've invested your life in. The piercing feeling that attacks your heart and your stomach simultaneously as you see your friends drive away to return to the home that isn't exactly yours anymore. It may be possible that you've never had to pep-talk yourself before walking into a new place all alone and hope to God that someone talks to you.

Yeah. Maybe you didn't know it would be this way.

And, I can't say you're the lucky one.

Maybe you did. Maybe you know that living a daring life has costs. Maybe you understand that to live passionately for your God means the choices sometimes hurt a little. Maybe you know. Maybe you know better than I do.

I heard tonight that LA is the second largest city in the country. Although I didn't know this before, it didn't surprise me. I've made the good team effort to deny my impulses to hide in my room, waiting for classes to start. I've accepted the invitations to attend parties where I know no one. To visit homes of strangers. To find comfort in the becoming-familiar faces of people who don't even know my name. And to hear that statistic tonight made me feel even smaller than I already did.

Yes. Every fun and exciting thing I've posted so far has been thoroughly true. I'm not putting on a brave face for anyone back home; and this post proves it. But this rounds out the story, because it would be a lie to tell you anything else. I'm not going to tell you I'm homesick, it's not true. I'm not going to tell you I'm not terribly excited to be here, it's not true (yes, a double negative). I'm telling you that I find it so thrilling to see the sun rising over my palm tree knowing that God put me here, and I still don't really know why.

Since I've left Boise

-I've met my first surfer-scholar (imagine both cliche's smashing into each other)

-the Target store here has its own parking garage, and a man who patrols said garage on a segue. It has decals of shields and badges, and is meant to look official and intimidating, but the effect somehow isn't.

-the best way to park in Vegas is valet. Anywhere else I've been, the valet is only for people interested in dropping an extra twenty bucks for parking, but Vegas says it isn't so. Pay what you want valet service saves the day!

-Pasadena isn't humid (this I already knew) but it feels humid to a girl from the high desert of Idaho; at least for a few days. But now I've also brought the Idaho heat with me, so today we're expecting a high of 101. ugh.

-feeling confident about the LA freeway system doesn't mean you won't still get tense. Especially when the person in the passenger seat yells as a joke.

-speaking of the freeway, a gps is a lifesaver. But you should still have an idea where you're going. It's not cool when you're navigational brain stops telling you what to do while it's "searching for signal" since the last tunnel you went through. Plus if you miss your exit, you're out of luck for several more exits, as you pass by alternate route after alternate route as it recalculates multiple times.

giving up the tantrum

Can we be bold enough to trust God without demanding a sign? A sign of his power? A sign of his love? A sign of his existance?
Can we be crazy enough not to demand that he distract us with the things we think we want? Can we catch onto a wild kind of faith that willingly dialogs with Him, sharing our hearts and minds, without prescribing how we think He ought to meet our needs? Could we just try to trust him? That someone so wild, fierce and brilliant, who could create everything might just be capable of knowing exactly what we need? Better than we do?

Our weakness doesn't overpower God

Have you ever dealt with a disappointment? Have you ever felt that God has dropped the ball? Asked you for more than you could do? Or that He hasn‘t come through with something you really needed, because you weren’t good enough? Are you still allowing these thoughts to interfere with your life?

God's response to us is based on His sovereignty, not weakness. Not weakness: not our weaknesses and certainly not his. That is something we've been lied to about isn't it? We see a circumstance not going the way we hope, and we think there is a weakness undermining everything. "God just didn't come through for me here" or worse: "I just wasn't strong enough to hold up my end of the bargain". I have told myself this lie more than once, repeating the idea that God has offered me a blessing, but I’m not good enough to do what is required to claim it. Ladies, let's stop that thought right in its tracks. The LORD is the Almighty, and there is none greater than him. Including us.

But what do I mean? Think for a moment about the idea of not "holding up our end". When God chooses to pour out blessings on your life, there isn’t an element of the situation determined by the amount of strength (or faith) you possess. Granted, there are probably some blessings God has in store for you, that he, in his perfect timing, has not given you yet. But that isn’t what we are talking about here. I’m talking about the times we’ve felt hopeless, as if we’ve “blown it”. The fact of the matter is, such statements betray the condition of our hearts: we still want to be our own god. If we are elevating ourselves to the point that we think we are capable with derailing the plans of God, even with our own shortcomings, we are saying that God is weak. If we say that God is weak, we are also saying that we don’t need him, and can therefore continue to worship ourselves.

It is not true humility to say that you were too weak to receive the blessings God wants to give you. True humility says “I’m sorry” and “I will submit to your will for my life, Lord”. We can do this once we acknowledge the fact that while we are too weak to do all this on our own, God is mightier than anything we might be challenged by. We must learn that we are too finite in this big ol’ universe to be capable of knowing enough to never make a wrong decision, or never be weaker than something else. Alone, we are actually quite weak and vulnerable, but with God we are strong. We must simply let him be lord over our lives. His strength is mightier than all creation, and nothing can overpower him. Once we accept this, we begin to understand that when we submit to his will, we might not always get what we want, but we will get what we need. Besides, sometimes we things we want aren’t good for us, so when we don’t get them, it turns out to be a good thing.

I tried recently to pry a screw loose with my letter opener. All I accomplished was bending and ruining the letter opener, and nearly poking my eye out in the process, because it was too weak to do the job. Surprise! I had trusted this make-shift tool and it let me down. I really thought it would work, but I was wrong. I was foiled by the inability of my letter opener to do the job, but what it really showed was that I wasn't able to do the job on my own, I needed the proper equipment. Do you see what I am getting at here? God never uses you to accomplish a task you are too weak to perform, and there's at least 2 reasons: 1. He's so powerful, that He doesn't need our help to accomplish anything (but He chooses to involve us for all kinds of reasons) so no amount of weakness on our part can stop His planned outcome (while he doesn’t need us, we need him); and 2. He knows everything! Out of all the things God has made us able to do, I really don't think God granted us the power to surprise him. He knows all you are capable of, and all you are not capable of. He won't use you in a situation only to discover you weren't able to do the task. God certainly won’t mistake you for a screwdriver if you are a letter opener. Trust that if he’s put you in a situation, he’s equipped you to accomplish what he’s got planned. Does that mean that we are guaranteed success in everything? In the worldly sense, no. He may possibly put you in a situation that you don't succeed in, but if he does, he knew it from the beginning. In these cases, it wasn't really about getting the job done, was it? It was about the lesson God had for us there. But there is still a spiritual success even when we fail. When we earnestly seek God’s will over our lives, and submit to him, we are guaranteed success in growing our faith, and deepening our relationship with God. Simply put, we need to stop thinking that we can overpower God with our weakness.

And as for those needs not being met, think again sisters! Needs are our Daddy's specialty, and He always comes trough with them. But I think sometimes we are calling things "needs" when they’re really just wants. Give it a little thought. Think about the last thing you said you needed and didn't get. Still here, aren't 'cha? Still functioning, without that thing you needed so badly. Really God's telling you to function by holding onto Him, and his promise that he will care for all your needs, that he cares for every hurt, and that we are his Beloved. Some wants are for things we aren't to have at all, some wants are for things we aren't to have immediately. In the mean time, do not fear asking God for patience, He will grant it to you, and it won't hurt as bad as you think. : )

The lies we are told are so tricky, sisters. They are often elegantly crafted in order to stand up to scrutiny and logic. Some of the best lies we get handed are so beautifully logical! They are designed to make us believe that in some way it is possible to stop God from loving us; that either we aren't lovable, that his love can run out, or that he doesn't love us in the first place. We must return to scripture and combat the painful lies we are attacked with, with God’s truth. Armor yourselves, girlfriends, with the word, because no lie of the enemy can stand up to it.

Pax,