How Do You Count?

I am not a woman who is capable of finishing everything I attempt to start; nor do I finish things with perfection.  I make reading plans so I won't fall behind in class, and then fail to use them.  I plan ahead so that I won't be frantically finishing an assignment the same hour I have to go to class--and still end up printing and sprinting. Even this blog is something that I have attempted to bathe in self-discipline, only to fail.  Daily we are all asked to take on things that we are capable of doing -- many of them things that we could do well.  We get a lot of them done, but not all.

But is it failure?

I would like to submit the idea that we could all use a moment of self assessment; not on our rates of failure and success, but on our definitions and standards when it comes to failure and success.  Sometimes we really don't come through on something we need to have done.  Sometimes we mess up.  Sometimes we drop the ball.   Sometimes we encounter the unforeseen and we make the choice to put people before tasks.  Sometimes we have delusions of minute grander that suggest to us that we are capable of ignoring the constrictors of time and space--and social lives. Sometimes we make the wrong choice.  But sometimes we make the right choice, and for some reason, we want to think that it was wrong.

I wonder what would happen if we stopped to ask God his opinion before we kicked ourselves?  

I would like to submit to you that God is interested in how we love Him and each other--and that our to-do lists come second to those priorities if they are in conflict. Sometimes we love best by getting things done.  We all rely on each other, and if we regularly failed to get important things done, we'd have serious problems.  But, I doubt that it pleases God when we get down on ourselves for not being as self-diciplined and as accomplished as we think we ought to be. I think that the Kingdom definition of productivity is slightly different than our own, and that perhaps we could benefit from learning a new way to count.

A Life of Quiet Desperation

It is already week two of the new quarter and I find myself feeling terribly behind in both homework and other sundry life-things.  Circumstances being what they are, last week was horribly busy for me, and did not really allow any time for school work to be done.  This is not a complaint, however, because I made thoughtful choices about several of the things that took my time, and felt that they were the more important ones.  Not one of those choices stand out to me at the moment as one I would go back and change. But, as the case often is, there are consequences for our choices, and the consequences I face at the moment is a flurry of activity as I try to make up lost ground before things get too far; before I resign myself to simply being behind and mildly disappointed with myself (as those two things are usually linked for me.)

As my evening class went on break tonight, I couldn't help but start to compile a mental list of all that needs doing.  The chapters that need to be read, the films that need to be seen (yes, this is actually homework) the assignments to be written, and so on. I was very tempted to tell myself that this is all so very stressful, and that I am in a stressful place.  I was tempted to tell myself that I am stressed, when in point of fact, I was not feeling "stressed out" as say so often.  Yes, I have plenty to do, and it may feel stressful very soon, but at that moment, I wasn't feeling "stressed out", merely mindful that there is much to be done. 

 I have a close friend who seems always to be in a state of being "stressed out" as she puts it.  There is a never ending barrage of things in her life that seem to attack her relentlessly.  She does have a lot going on, and I recognize that she has every right to be stressed out from time to time.  But I also can't help but sometimes feel that she chooses it.  She will identify situations that shouldn't be categorized as stressful by anyone, as things that bear down on her. I think perhaps that she feels the weight of decisions with so much gravity, that there is little room in her economy for a bad decision, or even a less-than-ideal one.  

Somehow tonight the thought of my to-do list, mixed in with the thought of my friend.  I actively chose not to take on a perception of stress in my life. 

This brought to mind a quote from Thoreau: "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."  

And I have to admit that in a sense, theologically, Thoreau is right. There is always so much to be done.  There is always so much that we need. There is always so much that we cannot accomplish on our own, or for ourselves.  We lead lives of quiet desperation, because our efforts--and we should make an effort--is only buoyed by the Grace of God. I mean that quite literally. We have a choice, where we can recognize that we need that Grace, that we live by that Grace, and that we are sustained by that Grace. Or we can not.  Either way, we are living lives of quiet desperation, but I think we can make a distinction about how we look at it.  We can focus on the desperation and simply live there, which results  as Thoreau put it "What is called resignation is confirmed desperation." Or we can focus on the Grace that we are offered, and say "please" and "thank you".

I think this choice matters in lots of ways; two of which I can think of at this moment:  choosing Grace allows us to sleep better at night.  And, accepting Grace means we have some to give to others when they need it.   If we are living in a state of desperation, we have no grace to spare for anyone else, because we don't think we even have enough to get by on ourselves. 

Yeah, I have a lot to get done, and not too much time to do it in.  

By God's Grace, it will come out. 

Who are you attracting?

There's a New Age guru following me on twitter.

When I discovered this, I actually laughed out loud. Not that his beliefs are funny to me; but simply, I didn't see that one coming.  Somehow this person found me and decided that there was some kind of value or benefit even, in clicking the follow button on my profile. There's a myriad of reasons he could have done this, many of which have nothing to do with who I am, or what I've been saying on the internet--so I'm not going to be so arrogant as to think that I am going to be the key to some profound things in his life via my excellent tweets.

In fact, when I noticed this, two voices popped into my head.  One was a groovy, deadheadesque lifestyle evangelist who said "Nice, you're light in the darkness, salt to the world." The other voice was something like Dana Carvey's Church Lady, accusing me that a guru such as this may follow me because he is under the impression that we are alike.

Perhaps both little voices have an element of truth in them, and that's something I will be praying about.  But the whole thing leads me to ask myself, who am I attracting to become a part of my circles of influence? I think it's good to have a variety.

Questions from NYC ala Brehm Center

You may remember a few months ago I posted some questions for your consideration.  This week, as we went around the group to introduce ourselves to one another, I couldn't help but really stand on that leg for a moment.  I want to know what the questions are, specifically for people who are in my position, or positions similar to mine.  What are we dealing with?  Struggling with? What have we learned the hard way, and what were we graced to know without having to pay a costly price to learn?

The questions are beginning to take shape.  And I may post some of what I discover as comments to this post, but like I asked before:

What are your questions?
Be Specific.
Seriously.
What are your questions?

For your consideration

An interesting video I stumbled across this morning.  Perhaps even an interesting lead-in for the discussion we'll be having today in my Theology and Culture class about Body.

it's not About Me, at least not entirely

I started this blog a couple of years ago because I would go to a Bible study, or read a book or a devotional, and have some kind of interesting thought or even a revelation about God, or faith, or living as a Christian. I would go home to my empty house and want to tell someone about it, but I lived alone.

Eventually the thought occurred to me to try to write those things out, and even to post them on a blog. But, I didn't really tell anyone about it. And while you're scratching your head, wondering how blogging to no one is different than talking to myself as I stand over the kitchen sink eating my dinner, I'll tell you that it is pretty much the same. And really different.

Writing these things out helped me solidify what would have otherwise been fleeting ideas and revelations. I've learned from the process; and I think that is evident in the writing to anyone who's daring enough to sift through this blog's history.

The point never was to make myself out to be an authority on Christianity. I am neither a dead English apologist, nor a perky blond Texan. This is just me, trying to figure a thing or two out; which may or may not be helpful or interesting to those who happen to wander onto this site.   While I think some of my older posts may have a tone that comes off like I know something that you need to know too, that was never my attitude nor perspective.  Hopefully my tone is more genuine these days.

What you can expect to see from here on out is more of the things that I learn, the things I discover, and the things that interest or even excite me. The occasional video, or image should be expected.  You may even see that the posts become more and more broad, and more loosely related to one another.  That's because I'm learning about God in a whole bunch of different ways, some of them more subtle than others.

What you can expect not to see here are posts about my knitting club, my love for cats or videos of my children.  Not that those things don't make great blogs, but none of them are applicable to my life.  So you may or may not get to know me better.  But I don't feel like that's the point of this blog, anyway.  It's why I never did the obligatory 'About Me' post, so common on blogger.

For Your Consideration

I could say a few things about this; but I'd rather dialogue with you about it.

Are you Lazy? (confession 4)

Man, sometimes I feel like the laziest person I know.

I live with two other women, and we're all quite different from one another.  Both of my roommates put me to shame when it comes to focus.  They both always seem to be studying, or getting lots of other things done.  One of my roommates has commented on several occasions that since I've moved into the apartment, she feels like she's been on a nearly non-stop vacation.  She means it as a complement, but I can't help but feel the indictment in it too.

Let's add to the equation, that the sermon series for the last few weeks at my church has been Fresh Start (it's good stuff. listen to it here).  This series among other things, has been challenging us to recognize where we may've dropped the ball --perhaps in 2009-- and encouraging us to get back on track in 2010.  Hey, there's no shame in placing a sermon series at the top of the new year that hopefully capitalizes on our desire to start a new year off on the right foot.

All totaled. I feel like a lazy lump.  Over the last few months, my to do lists seem to be less and less crossed off.  I'll even confess that I may have avoided making a list (literal or metaphorical) on a few occasions, just so I wouldn't have to face it unfinished at the end of the day. 

But, I keep returning to God on this topic, and we're working on some things together.

So, do you feel lazy? Are you doing anything about it?

waiting...

Well, the application is long since turned in, and as may be expected, all manner of self doubt is now vying for my attention. So what to do? Focus elsewhere, I guess. I've pulled a stack of books out in an effort to finally get through my purchased-with-the-intent-to-read reading list (close to the top of course, is my beloved Don Miller; whom, it should be noted, I shall continue to read aloud--although I no longer have an audience. Don Miller is just better read aloud.) I've pulled out an un-finished Bible study, and a couple others that I may soon start.

All manner of avoidance aside, I still dwell on the persistent thought that I am not good enough to go to seminary. Not smart enough, not talented enough, too uneducated in all things theological; mundane rather than profound. No number of Don Miller's lovely chaper/essays will convince me otherwise, no matter how funny they are read aloud.
So, it's back to plan A. Pray. Trust. Hold on with both hands. Cause either way, I'm not going to make it through this thing alive based on myself alone.

Our weakness doesn't overpower God

Have you ever dealt with a disappointment? Have you ever felt that God has dropped the ball? Asked you for more than you could do? Or that He hasn‘t come through with something you really needed, because you weren’t good enough? Are you still allowing these thoughts to interfere with your life?

God's response to us is based on His sovereignty, not weakness. Not weakness: not our weaknesses and certainly not his. That is something we've been lied to about isn't it? We see a circumstance not going the way we hope, and we think there is a weakness undermining everything. "God just didn't come through for me here" or worse: "I just wasn't strong enough to hold up my end of the bargain". I have told myself this lie more than once, repeating the idea that God has offered me a blessing, but I’m not good enough to do what is required to claim it. Ladies, let's stop that thought right in its tracks. The LORD is the Almighty, and there is none greater than him. Including us.

But what do I mean? Think for a moment about the idea of not "holding up our end". When God chooses to pour out blessings on your life, there isn’t an element of the situation determined by the amount of strength (or faith) you possess. Granted, there are probably some blessings God has in store for you, that he, in his perfect timing, has not given you yet. But that isn’t what we are talking about here. I’m talking about the times we’ve felt hopeless, as if we’ve “blown it”. The fact of the matter is, such statements betray the condition of our hearts: we still want to be our own god. If we are elevating ourselves to the point that we think we are capable with derailing the plans of God, even with our own shortcomings, we are saying that God is weak. If we say that God is weak, we are also saying that we don’t need him, and can therefore continue to worship ourselves.

It is not true humility to say that you were too weak to receive the blessings God wants to give you. True humility says “I’m sorry” and “I will submit to your will for my life, Lord”. We can do this once we acknowledge the fact that while we are too weak to do all this on our own, God is mightier than anything we might be challenged by. We must learn that we are too finite in this big ol’ universe to be capable of knowing enough to never make a wrong decision, or never be weaker than something else. Alone, we are actually quite weak and vulnerable, but with God we are strong. We must simply let him be lord over our lives. His strength is mightier than all creation, and nothing can overpower him. Once we accept this, we begin to understand that when we submit to his will, we might not always get what we want, but we will get what we need. Besides, sometimes we things we want aren’t good for us, so when we don’t get them, it turns out to be a good thing.

I tried recently to pry a screw loose with my letter opener. All I accomplished was bending and ruining the letter opener, and nearly poking my eye out in the process, because it was too weak to do the job. Surprise! I had trusted this make-shift tool and it let me down. I really thought it would work, but I was wrong. I was foiled by the inability of my letter opener to do the job, but what it really showed was that I wasn't able to do the job on my own, I needed the proper equipment. Do you see what I am getting at here? God never uses you to accomplish a task you are too weak to perform, and there's at least 2 reasons: 1. He's so powerful, that He doesn't need our help to accomplish anything (but He chooses to involve us for all kinds of reasons) so no amount of weakness on our part can stop His planned outcome (while he doesn’t need us, we need him); and 2. He knows everything! Out of all the things God has made us able to do, I really don't think God granted us the power to surprise him. He knows all you are capable of, and all you are not capable of. He won't use you in a situation only to discover you weren't able to do the task. God certainly won’t mistake you for a screwdriver if you are a letter opener. Trust that if he’s put you in a situation, he’s equipped you to accomplish what he’s got planned. Does that mean that we are guaranteed success in everything? In the worldly sense, no. He may possibly put you in a situation that you don't succeed in, but if he does, he knew it from the beginning. In these cases, it wasn't really about getting the job done, was it? It was about the lesson God had for us there. But there is still a spiritual success even when we fail. When we earnestly seek God’s will over our lives, and submit to him, we are guaranteed success in growing our faith, and deepening our relationship with God. Simply put, we need to stop thinking that we can overpower God with our weakness.

And as for those needs not being met, think again sisters! Needs are our Daddy's specialty, and He always comes trough with them. But I think sometimes we are calling things "needs" when they’re really just wants. Give it a little thought. Think about the last thing you said you needed and didn't get. Still here, aren't 'cha? Still functioning, without that thing you needed so badly. Really God's telling you to function by holding onto Him, and his promise that he will care for all your needs, that he cares for every hurt, and that we are his Beloved. Some wants are for things we aren't to have at all, some wants are for things we aren't to have immediately. In the mean time, do not fear asking God for patience, He will grant it to you, and it won't hurt as bad as you think. : )

The lies we are told are so tricky, sisters. They are often elegantly crafted in order to stand up to scrutiny and logic. Some of the best lies we get handed are so beautifully logical! They are designed to make us believe that in some way it is possible to stop God from loving us; that either we aren't lovable, that his love can run out, or that he doesn't love us in the first place. We must return to scripture and combat the painful lies we are attacked with, with God’s truth. Armor yourselves, girlfriends, with the word, because no lie of the enemy can stand up to it.

Pax,