the dreaded loneliness post.
If you were expecting it to be different, you've never done this before. You've never left your whole tribe--left your Haran and gone out 'to the place you will be shown' (see Genesis 11:27-12:1). Perhaps you've never known the feeling of being hundreds of miles away from anyone who's known you for more than a few hours. The catch in your throat as you drive away from just about everything you've invested your life in. The piercing feeling that attacks your heart and your stomach simultaneously as you see your friends drive away to return to the home that isn't exactly yours anymore. It may be possible that you've never had to pep-talk yourself before walking into a new place all alone and hope to God that someone talks to you.
Yeah. Maybe you didn't know it would be this way.
And, I can't say you're the lucky one.
Maybe you did. Maybe you know that living a daring life has costs. Maybe you understand that to live passionately for your God means the choices sometimes hurt a little. Maybe you know. Maybe you know better than I do.
I heard tonight that LA is the second largest city in the country. Although I didn't know this before, it didn't surprise me. I've made the good team effort to deny my impulses to hide in my room, waiting for classes to start. I've accepted the invitations to attend parties where I know no one. To visit homes of strangers. To find comfort in the becoming-familiar faces of people who don't even know my name. And to hear that statistic tonight made me feel even smaller than I already did.
Yes. Every fun and exciting thing I've posted so far has been thoroughly true. I'm not putting on a brave face for anyone back home; and this post proves it. But this rounds out the story, because it would be a lie to tell you anything else. I'm not going to tell you
I'm homesick, it's not true. I'm not going to tell you I'm not terribly excited to be here, it's not true (yes, a double negative). I'm telling you that I find it so thrilling to see the sun rising over my palm tree knowing that God put me here, and I still don't really know why.
4 comments:
I know exactly how you feel. Dan and I took the "Abraham leaves Haran" story as our mantra when we first started thinking about Moscow. And even though I'm not hundreds of miles away from everyone I know, I still get horrifically lonely.
Hang in there.
Precious one, I have had that feeling in reverse! You took me back 35 years to my first days at ISU after moving from California. Of course I couldn't articulate it like you have. I just kept taking the next correct step...and the tapestry of my life unfolded as I did. Love you!
Hope all is well down there! Stay strong and keep your head up. ENJOY THE BEACH and all of God's work even in the craziness....smile.
Keep in touch!
May the Lord use even the loneliness. And, the homesickness that may still be coming. We pray that He will overcome it with Himself, and with good friends. Thanks for sharing (and dragging me back to our first weeks in Vancouver, and back in Boise). Blessings,
Josh
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